If you're simply looking for instructions on how to beat the entire you game, you can find the "I don't even game" Walkthrough here.

XOXO - Support this game.

Newborn Prophecy - Start a new game.

Portal Master - Open a door

You Obeyed The Law - Defeat Dui Policemen

Silent But Deadly - Defeat the Ninja Boss

Booty - Defeat Pirate Guard

Control Switch - Defeat Ghost King

Hail Futility - Defeat Guide Boss

Sweet Lemonaid - Finish the game one time and buy lemonaid

Mighty Fine - WItness Egg Media three times in one game

Fail Futility - Try using the right click menu to win

Smell the Roses - Read every snippet of dialouge in one game

Sneaky Pete I - Avoid annoying things twice

Sneaky Pete II - Avoid annoying things twice more

Hands Free - Learn to slide

Anti-Cardio - Defeat the game without sprinting

Feel the Breeze - Catch the secret sailing salmon

Hardcore - Successfully and safely retrieve the reactor core logs

Sacred Scythe - Complete the game within a certain time

Portal Master - complete the game as a veteran player

Mastery - Complete the game three times

Rediculousery - Complete the game nine times

Is this a glitch? - No, it's not. Find the secret bunker

Horizon Get - Get 23/23 achievements

While most of these achievements are pretty self explanatory, there are a few of them that are quite complicated to figure out. Let's go over the tougher of the lot.

Sacred Scythe - Beat the game within a certain time limit

Not sure of the exact amount of time that you have, but just beat the game a fast as you can. Shouldn't be too hard on the second or third time. If you need a complete walkthrough to help you speed through it, you can read the "I don't even game" Walkthrough here.

Mighty Fine - Witness egg media three times in one game

In order to "witness" egg media three times in one game, you must stop at the appropriate places until you see, or hear, some form of media that has to do with eggs. Kinda weird, but you get what I'm saying.

Egg Media 1 - You get your first taste of Egg Media in the police department metal detector screen. A few seconds after you steal the old lady's purse, you are stopped by a line a people waiting to walk through a metal detector. The television screen above your head tells you that in order to drop things you have to press "Q". Watch the television and don't go through the metal detector until it finishes talking about Egg media.

Egg Media 2 - The next Egg Media snippet is found in the room where what appears to be a child is watching a the weather. This is the screen right before the screen full of clouds that are hard to walk through. Watching the weather channel clears up the clouds in the next screen to make it easier to walk through, but also Egg Media comes on after the weather. Stay in that room until the television stops talking about Egg Media.

Egg Media 3 - The final Egg Media snippet comes in the form of a song that is fairly easy to find. It is found in the room with spikes that have what appears to be a line going through them(The second time you encounter the spikes). Stop in this room and wait a minute or so until the Egg Media song comes on. Listen to it and then continue on your way.

Feel The Breeze - Catch the secret sailing salmon

There have been a lot of people having trouble achieving the Feel the Breeze Challenge. The secret sailing salmon is found in the aforementioned room that is full of clouds and hard to walk through. All you need to do is wait in that room for a few minutes and the salmon will come sailing in. Run up to it to complete the achievement.